Daily I swear Ibecome more and more sucidal, but i'm not an idiot and unless the circumstnces were perfect, I wouldn't allow myself to, but seriously It's like one day, I woke up and realized I was stupid, something I lways thoguht was literally impossible, its those things where you dont know if its true or not but becaue everyone is always telling you the fact, you end up believeing it, well fuck i wish they wouldn't I saved myself from this misery until know by never doing any work, by not doing my work i gave myself an excuse for my inadequacies, I feel so frustrated, this calc II just is nasty, and the more more and harder and harder I study the more it seems like im doomed tofail, ive never failed before, never and this is a shock, and the sick thign is that im trying and trying and nothing seems to work, with or witout help i end up with the same damn F it just hurts me so bad that im stupid and now that i ralize it, i know that the pzth that i thought that i had chosen for myself is all wrong becausethat path needs immense inrtelligence none of which i seem to have!!!!!! which means that if ijm gonna fail mine as well fail the shit out of it and become a burger flipper for the rest of my life!!!! I JUST FEEL so helpless, i cant change my intelligence and im trying! i really am, why the hell is this happening now! I feel so ashamed...

Misconceptions

I realize that somewhere someone is happy which unless i am incredibly depressed, keeps me content because it shows that i dcould be happy, that there truly is a possibility, but at this moment, i am seriously far gone, I realize that suicide is seriously the most disgusting selfish loathsome thing to possibly do, but at times like these those things seriously diminish, the way that we have complicated things and polluted the makes everything ten billion times worse, if we didnt put so much pressure on succeding and earnign abecoming a good consumer i probably would try to become a fashion designer, but because i realize the risks and the pitfalls, i want something stable, and something that I feel proud to be.... intelligent actually, but where i am now i cant halp but feel so incredibly stupid compared to others which exacerbates the problem to the nth degree, i have always felt or been smarter than others, i have just never had the motivation to seriouslty work hard and succeed to my potential, now i realize thats a load of crap, my mind was protecting me from coming to the very real fact that i am seriously completely and utterly stupid, a fact which stuns me so bad i can hadly stand it, in fact i seriously cant stand it, i cant understand why the hell its so fucking hard for me to do well in fucking calc 2 whats wrong with me that i actually study, more than others for sure, and still fuck the fucking shit up how how how how how how how how studying and practicing and all that shit shold help you improve but instead everytime i work hard for someting sschool relatedi always fuc up... which seriously kills my goddamn drive, i blame myself but i also blame my self and a little bit of school, i shouldnt have friggin passed fucking trig if i cant fucking do a lick of it!!!!! right!!!!! my past discretions are fouling my hard work today!
what the hell, how how how i seriously dont know what s is wrong!!!!

I swear there is something wrong with me, or maybe its just that im the only sane one and the rest of you are all nuts...
i think i may be right,
why cant we all just freakin get along... war, famine, murder, anger, fear... doesnt have to exist....
Encounter #1: I meet someone, tell them i would love to be thier friend and only that, they agree then bother me with, why dont you like me's then when it finaly does break through their thick skull they desist in speaking to me...
Encounter #2: Seems cool, we both can get something from one another, she has no car, asks me to hang out, then when i come pick her up tells me a few blocks away she just needs to drop off some books at a friends house, ten miles later and another $5 in gas we get there, still im cool, for i couple weeksi consistently get asked and ask to hangout again but for some reason she keeps bailing (a BIG button for me) but again ive spent this much effort mine as well right, til she asks me to hang out one night, i keep calling saying i might MIGHT come then i end up with another friend (only semi- on purpose) and i get bitched out b/c she no longer has a ride... use me and abuse me, over my dead body...
Encounter #3: Ugly as hell but great personality she's cool so we hang out a bit, we only ever see each other in the one clas we share, but she really seems genuinely interested in being friends, hasn't shown up to class almost for thw whole week a through which i have been calling and no answer... mind you not insane, "hey its me for the fiftieth time" but more like "hey, dude you missed the fucking test.. the prof said "shit" in french it was hilarious... so no not scary stalker calls, reminder this is just a quick overview...
Encounter #4: Seriously im as prudey as a nun but this boy makes my blood sizzle, helps me with my french, literally im taking a course and he's from france (get your head outta the gutter) and i offer him date in repayment for his tutoring sessions, we have a great talk, no akward silences get along great, the boys had so many insanely cool life experiences and hes so young its intimidatingly amazing... text him later for another date doesnt answer til a day later, and i answer back, but the boy has not made one effort since... i would say its my curse to like the boys that dont like me, but it just.. well it just seems like im missing sometihng b/c why act so damn interested if your not, dont pretend, just be civil... thats all thats neccesary we get the point and move the fuck on... now no matter how much i like this guy id never admit it, and i am NOT the girl who chases after boys especially when they dont like me back, so i made the first move, whats yours, or is this it?
Encounter #5: I'm driving relaxing for the first time this week b/c ive definitely had one helluva week, and i think the fergie "fergalicious" song comes on which by the way i know is a joke, but thatswhy i just let go in my car and danced to it, funnily not like i was serious just having FUN when low and behold a human breaks into my peripherals passing me even though i am going above the speed limit and just fast enough to not be tailgating the person in front of me.. this person in her car gives me a look lie she is sickened by my behavior like i just blew someone and was coming up for air, (mind you i was dancing like a nerd, not a slut, i dont think there is much of any other way to dance in a car other than nerd) then has the audacity to cut me off and brake... so this woman is purposely trying to ruin my happy drive, so i let her then i return the favor... i go to the right lane (we had all been in the left lane) speed way the fuck up so i could pass her, then asim coming in she lays on her horn b/c to prevent me from "returning the favor," she had almost killed herself and me (mind you i was being a dumbass and shouldve let it go) trying to go fast enough so as to leave the most indiscriminate crack between her and the car in front... i laugh it off and drive in my lane, which by now has emptied.. so im faster than her anyways..
I dont really want a relationship, i just want a fucking civil perosn man or woman who knows what fucking common decency is, i actually prolly wouldnt be impressed with that at all, but i didnt spend too much time with othre children when i was young, so maybe i havent learned yet the dissapointments of man... or what i call "the human condition" i never liked our species much anyway... not true, i like the general idea of the ideal ones, but the general real idea is just shit just like the majority of us...

Annie Liebowitz

I'm so....

ok so i just started college college the actual real thing etc and my best firend and i went to different schools, at least an hour away from each other, we went dancing the first week of school, but after that we havent even really spoken just because we are so damn busy etc etc, so i call her today becasue she called me, and im like im at work, on my break andshe was like yeah i should be doing homework so she said to call her after work, so i forget and called her now and we're talking and my phone fucks up and hangs up, i try calling her back, three times which is allowed because we have known each othr for years and the snob doesn't pick up and i know her, I KNOW HER and she does that shit to boys and other stupid non imoprtant people but NOt to me NOT TO ME so wtf right i mean seriously four weeks and she starts being able to ditch me on the phone, i apologized for forgeting to call her but i do have like forty things due tomorrow and before the phone hung up she had been talking about how shhewas fucking around, so at least i have shit to do right and for the record she never called me either and seriously i dont know whether to be mad or sad because if she can do that so easily after only a few weeks then we were never that good of friends to begin with and i seriously considered her my best and only friend and i am a picky bitch with ppl so i dont choose just anybody and what the hell? seriouslyt iot may seem like i am overreacting but if you knew us then you would know that ther would be no way inhell that she would seriously fucknig not pick up for me unless she was in class a meeting or at work, and she was doing niether of the above and she has never never done that before so this is serious i feel so used and discarded... and even wit my new friend she is possibly just using me for my car, and we have a lot in common so it might be ok but i dont trust ppl and you seriosly goddamn wonder why right when my BEST friend in the world just fucking refused to pick up the phone for me?who the hell does se think shes speaking to?

THX 1138, the technologic jungle...

Seriously i think our world will someday soon end up looking like george lucas' THX 1138 dont get me wrong i absolutely adore science and technology and think it may actually be the one thing our species has to show for itself , with the exception of the arts which are products of our imagination which we were given for that purpose so not really an accomplishment of our own...in a sense...
but really the one neccesary thing we lack when it comes to science is the ability to stop to stop and say this is far enough, to stop and say lets pause before we do this and think about the repercussions, maybe create the solutions to the problems before they even arrive so that they dont get out of control

i am glad that i was born in this time, a little, because i will die before (i think and i hope) i seee us completely rape and ravage our own habitat like we've done to so many others, and yes i am a hypocrite because hell yeah i drive a car and truthfully i love driving it calms me down (when its not rush hour) but i mean seriously i live in suburbia, usa and there is no way that i would be able to bike to school unless i woke up at 2am and left then also, i wouldnt be able to make it back in time for work, its truelly pitiful that i think this way and yet i do nothing to stop it but seriously most of the stuff truthfully i dont want to change , i adore driving, and im an american go i adore ccreating a mega buildup of trash (not true but i do waste) however in this day and age without the mass amount of cash to by that "Green"car (i bet ya it shouldnt cost that much its just the beurocratic bs of the system that lets the rich ( gas and drug co.) get richer and poor get poorer) and i just wish i could but if it were a free change i would do it, but then again that in itself is bad too no because i cant fork out a little cash to save the world, none of us can? but then back to my original argument, money is the root of everything in this day and age so who wants to drop money on something that you wouldnt be able to see and real change, really, anyone, isnt that why diets always fail, someone does really well, then looks at the scale and doesnt see an immediate change so they binge eat until they feel fat guilt once again.....
oh well the world is perfect, its just us that create all the little (and big) imperfections....