Misconceptions

I realize that somewhere someone is happy which unless i am incredibly depressed, keeps me content because it shows that i dcould be happy, that there truly is a possibility, but at this moment, i am seriously far gone, I realize that suicide is seriously the most disgusting selfish loathsome thing to possibly do, but at times like these those things seriously diminish, the way that we have complicated things and polluted the makes everything ten billion times worse, if we didnt put so much pressure on succeding and earnign abecoming a good consumer i probably would try to become a fashion designer, but because i realize the risks and the pitfalls, i want something stable, and something that I feel proud to be.... intelligent actually, but where i am now i cant halp but feel so incredibly stupid compared to others which exacerbates the problem to the nth degree, i have always felt or been smarter than others, i have just never had the motivation to seriouslty work hard and succeed to my potential, now i realize thats a load of crap, my mind was protecting me from coming to the very real fact that i am seriously completely and utterly stupid, a fact which stuns me so bad i can hadly stand it, in fact i seriously cant stand it, i cant understand why the hell its so fucking hard for me to do well in fucking calc 2 whats wrong with me that i actually study, more than others for sure, and still fuck the fucking shit up how how how how how how how how studying and practicing and all that shit shold help you improve but instead everytime i work hard for someting sschool relatedi always fuc up... which seriously kills my goddamn drive, i blame myself but i also blame my self and a little bit of school, i shouldnt have friggin passed fucking trig if i cant fucking do a lick of it!!!!! right!!!!! my past discretions are fouling my hard work today!
what the hell, how how how i seriously dont know what s is wrong!!!!