I realize that somewhere someone is happy which unless i am incredibly depressed, keeps me content because it shows that i dcould be happy, that there truly is a possibility, but at this moment, i am seriously far gone, I realize that suicide is seriously the most disgusting selfish loathsome thing to possibly do, but at times like these those things seriously diminish, the way that we have complicated things and polluted the makes everything ten billion times worse, if we didnt put so much pressure on succeding and earnign abecoming a good consumer i probably would try to become a fashion designer, but because i realize the risks and the pitfalls, i want something stable, and something that I feel proud to be.... intelligent actually, but where i am now i cant halp but feel so incredibly stupid compared to others which exacerbates the problem to the nth degree, i have always felt or been smarter than others, i have just never had the motivation to seriouslty work hard and succeed to my potential, now i realize thats a load of crap, my mind was protecting me from coming to the very real fact that i am seriously completely and utterly stupid, a fact which stuns me so bad i can hadly stand it, in fact i seriously cant stand it, i cant understand why the hell its so fucking hard for me to do well in fucking calc 2 whats wrong with me that i actually study, more than others for sure, and still fuck the fucking shit up how how how how how how how how studying and practicing and all that shit shold help you improve but instead everytime i work hard for someting sschool relatedi always fuc up... which seriously kills my goddamn drive, i blame myself but i also blame my self and a little bit of school, i shouldnt have friggin passed fucking trig if i cant fucking do a lick of it!!!!! right!!!!! my past discretions are fouling my hard work today!
what the hell, how how how i seriously dont know what s is wrong!!!!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
I swear there is something wrong with me, or maybe its just that im the only sane one and the rest of you are all nuts...
i think i may be right,
why cant we all just freakin get along... war, famine, murder, anger, fear... doesnt have to exist....
Encounter #1: I meet someone, tell them i would love to be thier friend and only that, they agree then bother me with, why dont you like me's then when it finaly does break through their thick skull they desist in speaking to me...
Encounter #2: Seems cool, we both can get something from one another, she has no car, asks me to hang out, then when i come pick her up tells me a few blocks away she just needs to drop off some books at a friends house, ten miles later and another $5 in gas we get there, still im cool, for i couple weeksi consistently get asked and ask to hangout again but for some reason she keeps bailing (a BIG button for me) but again ive spent this much effort mine as well right, til she asks me to hang out one night, i keep calling saying i might MIGHT come then i end up with another friend (only semi- on purpose) and i get bitched out b/c she no longer has a ride... use me and abuse me, over my dead body...
Encounter #3: Ugly as hell but great personality she's cool so we hang out a bit, we only ever see each other in the one clas we share, but she really seems genuinely interested in being friends, hasn't shown up to class almost for thw whole week a through which i have been calling and no answer... mind you not insane, "hey its me for the fiftieth time" but more like "hey, dude you missed the fucking test.. the prof said "shit" in french it was hilarious... so no not scary stalker calls, reminder this is just a quick overview...
Encounter #4: Seriously im as prudey as a nun but this boy makes my blood sizzle, helps me with my french, literally im taking a course and he's from france (get your head outta the gutter) and i offer him date in repayment for his tutoring sessions, we have a great talk, no akward silences get along great, the boys had so many insanely cool life experiences and hes so young its intimidatingly amazing... text him later for another date doesnt answer til a day later, and i answer back, but the boy has not made one effort since... i would say its my curse to like the boys that dont like me, but it just.. well it just seems like im missing sometihng b/c why act so damn interested if your not, dont pretend, just be civil... thats all thats neccesary we get the point and move the fuck on... now no matter how much i like this guy id never admit it, and i am NOT the girl who chases after boys especially when they dont like me back, so i made the first move, whats yours, or is this it?
Encounter #5: I'm driving relaxing for the first time this week b/c ive definitely had one helluva week, and i think the fergie "fergalicious" song comes on which by the way i know is a joke, but thatswhy i just let go in my car and danced to it, funnily not like i was serious just having FUN when low and behold a human breaks into my peripherals passing me even though i am going above the speed limit and just fast enough to not be tailgating the person in front of me.. this person in her car gives me a look lie she is sickened by my behavior like i just blew someone and was coming up for air, (mind you i was dancing like a nerd, not a slut, i dont think there is much of any other way to dance in a car other than nerd) then has the audacity to cut me off and brake... so this woman is purposely trying to ruin my happy drive, so i let her then i return the favor... i go to the right lane (we had all been in the left lane) speed way the fuck up so i could pass her, then asim coming in she lays on her horn b/c to prevent me from "returning the favor," she had almost killed herself and me (mind you i was being a dumbass and shouldve let it go) trying to go fast enough so as to leave the most indiscriminate crack between her and the car in front... i laugh it off and drive in my lane, which by now has emptied.. so im faster than her anyways..
I dont really want a relationship, i just want a fucking civil perosn man or woman who knows what fucking common decency is, i actually prolly wouldnt be impressed with that at all, but i didnt spend too much time with othre children when i was young, so maybe i havent learned yet the dissapointments of man... or what i call "the human condition" i never liked our species much anyway... not true, i like the general idea of the ideal ones, but the general real idea is just shit just like the majority of us...
i think i may be right,
why cant we all just freakin get along... war, famine, murder, anger, fear... doesnt have to exist....
Encounter #1: I meet someone, tell them i would love to be thier friend and only that, they agree then bother me with, why dont you like me's then when it finaly does break through their thick skull they desist in speaking to me...
Encounter #2: Seems cool, we both can get something from one another, she has no car, asks me to hang out, then when i come pick her up tells me a few blocks away she just needs to drop off some books at a friends house, ten miles later and another $5 in gas we get there, still im cool, for i couple weeksi consistently get asked and ask to hangout again but for some reason she keeps bailing (a BIG button for me) but again ive spent this much effort mine as well right, til she asks me to hang out one night, i keep calling saying i might MIGHT come then i end up with another friend (only semi- on purpose) and i get bitched out b/c she no longer has a ride... use me and abuse me, over my dead body...
Encounter #3: Ugly as hell but great personality she's cool so we hang out a bit, we only ever see each other in the one clas we share, but she really seems genuinely interested in being friends, hasn't shown up to class almost for thw whole week a through which i have been calling and no answer... mind you not insane, "hey its me for the fiftieth time" but more like "hey, dude you missed the fucking test.. the prof said "shit" in french it was hilarious... so no not scary stalker calls, reminder this is just a quick overview...
Encounter #4: Seriously im as prudey as a nun but this boy makes my blood sizzle, helps me with my french, literally im taking a course and he's from france (get your head outta the gutter) and i offer him date in repayment for his tutoring sessions, we have a great talk, no akward silences get along great, the boys had so many insanely cool life experiences and hes so young its intimidatingly amazing... text him later for another date doesnt answer til a day later, and i answer back, but the boy has not made one effort since... i would say its my curse to like the boys that dont like me, but it just.. well it just seems like im missing sometihng b/c why act so damn interested if your not, dont pretend, just be civil... thats all thats neccesary we get the point and move the fuck on... now no matter how much i like this guy id never admit it, and i am NOT the girl who chases after boys especially when they dont like me back, so i made the first move, whats yours, or is this it?
Encounter #5: I'm driving relaxing for the first time this week b/c ive definitely had one helluva week, and i think the fergie "fergalicious" song comes on which by the way i know is a joke, but thatswhy i just let go in my car and danced to it, funnily not like i was serious just having FUN when low and behold a human breaks into my peripherals passing me even though i am going above the speed limit and just fast enough to not be tailgating the person in front of me.. this person in her car gives me a look lie she is sickened by my behavior like i just blew someone and was coming up for air, (mind you i was dancing like a nerd, not a slut, i dont think there is much of any other way to dance in a car other than nerd) then has the audacity to cut me off and brake... so this woman is purposely trying to ruin my happy drive, so i let her then i return the favor... i go to the right lane (we had all been in the left lane) speed way the fuck up so i could pass her, then asim coming in she lays on her horn b/c to prevent me from "returning the favor," she had almost killed herself and me (mind you i was being a dumbass and shouldve let it go) trying to go fast enough so as to leave the most indiscriminate crack between her and the car in front... i laugh it off and drive in my lane, which by now has emptied.. so im faster than her anyways..
I dont really want a relationship, i just want a fucking civil perosn man or woman who knows what fucking common decency is, i actually prolly wouldnt be impressed with that at all, but i didnt spend too much time with othre children when i was young, so maybe i havent learned yet the dissapointments of man... or what i call "the human condition" i never liked our species much anyway... not true, i like the general idea of the ideal ones, but the general real idea is just shit just like the majority of us...
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